THE NAIJA DETECTIVES SPECIAL 

Naija Detectives Season One is coming to a close, pretty soon. We’ve got two episodes left and it’s done. So, I decided to do a special. I’ve been searching for inspiration to write Episode Five and after this, I felt all shades of inspiration. 

Please, leave comments and tell me your favourite character. 

Titilope: Hello guys, welcome to the Naija Detectives Special. With me in the studio, I have the amazing cast of Naija Detectives; Fiona, Remi, Oba, You and JK. Gregory should be here, but he’s missing.

Fiona smiles. She is dressed in her usual ensemble, a black dress with a leather jacket. She is flanked by Oba and Remi at each side. Oba is tapping away at his phone while Remi looks like he can’t be bothered. You are very anxious and are sitting beside Oba. JK is sitting beside You and keeps glancing at his watch.

Titilope: Fiona, who is your favourite out of the lot?

Remi cocks his head and coughs, popping his collar.

Fiona: Everybody but Remi. I can’t pick favourites. Everyone is a darling in their own right.

Remi: Of course.

Fiona: Remi, can you shut it, seriously? Why are you so insufferable?

Remi : But you love it.

Fiona: Ugggghhhh!!!

Titilope: You, being the newbie, can you tell us your most remarkable experience in your few months of being with the agency?

You: Umm. They are too many. But, I feel like the best is yet to come, you know. I’m starting sole assignment next episode and I am so excited. 

Remi: Rookie behaviour. (mimics) I am so excited. 

Titilope : Which brings me to you, Remi? My first question for you would be why…

Fiona: Like why do you think you are all that, Remi? Let me tell you now, you’re a great agent, I agree but a shitty person, most of the time. The other time is just me, giving you second chances.

Remi: So much angst, Fi. Ahh. Sorry oh, no vex.

Titilope: As I was saying before Fiona cut in. Why do you keep bullying You? Is it because he upsurped you as the baby of the team? 

Remi: As if. It’s the rites of passage. They do it everywhere. If you’ve seen The Game, you’ll know what I mean. At least, I didn’t dye his hair blue.

Titilope: Point taken. Now, JK, we’ve always wondered what your name meant. 

Remi: JK Rowlings, obviously.

Titilope: Are you serious?

JK: Why am I here please? I have an important meeting today and if it’s to answer paltry questions such as what JK means, count me out! 

Titilope: I apologize, JK. Thank you for honoring our invitation. Henceforth, we promise to ask you serious questions only. 

JK: (mutters)

Titilope: Oba, you have been so quiet and glued to your phone. 

Oba: Yeah, I mean. No questions were directed at me. So…

Titilope: Let’s fix that, shall we. Oba, what do you do besides being an agent?

Fiona: Ahh. Oba ke? My coconut head overachiever of life.

Oba: Well, I volunteer for a lot of things like charities and stuff. I’m into coding and I teach free coding classes when I’m less busy. I’m also a french and russian translator. Then, there’s the hospital.

Titilope: Wow! You must really have no time for girls. 

Oba: (breaks into a smile) Well, I guess I don’t. But…

Titilope: But..

Oba: There’s this one girl I like.

Remi: It’s a lie! You, Oba, you like a girl. I was already thinking you played for the other team.

Fiona: And even if he does, so what?

Remi: But Fiona, I wasn’t talking to you.

Fiona: Oh, so I don’t have a right to freedom of speech? Because I can certainly inform you of about seven laws that state I do!

You: These two! They are always at each other’s throats. I mean, when Remi is done with me, of course.

Titilope: Guys, guys, focus. This moment is very important. Oba, please go on.

Oba: Well, I like someone but it’s not going to lead anywhere. She likes someone else.

Fiona: She’s not worth it then. Any girl would be lucky to be with you, Oba.

Everyone (even JK): Awwwwwwww

Titilope: Speaking of being with, Fiona, can you tell us anything about your love life?

Fiona: Mostly, the lack of it. He’s never going to see me for who I truly am. 

Remi: Lucky dude! 

Gregory hurriedly walks in.

Gregory: I am so so sorry. I needed to take care of a few things at the agency.

Titilope: No problem, Gregory. Welcome.

JK: I don’t believe this. Why am I here, please?

Titilope: I was just getting to that. Being the head of the agency, you have worked with a lot of teams. JK, will you say this team is the best you’ve worked with so far? 

JK: (scoffs) Which team? These ones?

Everyone: JK!!!

JK: You all can’t take a joke. For goodness sake! They may not be the best I’ve worked with. But, there’s just something about them. Their team-work is top-notch. I think that’s the most admirable thing about them. Don’t be fooled by the bickering. They are a strong unit and they get the job done.

Everyone: Aawwwwwww

Fiona stands to hug JK

JK: That’s enough. (He brushes imaginary dirt off his clothes)

Titilope: Moving on, Gregory. I remember, in Episode Two B, you were so aggressive and adamant on Michael Emu being the culprit. What was up with that? 

Gregory: (scratches head) Errrm. To be honest, it was my guts but obviously, it was wrong and that happens. Your guts can fail you.

Titilope: Noted.

Titilope: Fiona, you kept the card from Episode Three, what’s the plan?

Fiona: Well, keep reading and find out.

Titilope: So, it’s almost the end of the first season. What has been your favourite and worst moments each?

Fiona: Episode three, definitely. The whole of it for favourite moment. Then, worst moment, of course, Laptop Gate. That chief is one of the most insufferable people I’ve ever met.

Remi: Alas! Fiona learnt a new word.

Titilope: Oh Fiona. But, that was a really risky move. 

Fiona: Yeah, yeah.

JK: It’s very simple, it’s the risk and reward principle. That’s why they are in very much demand.

Titilope: Noted. Everyone else?

Remi: Worst moment was when I had to be rookie’s driver for an episode. The little rat! Favourite episode, the first. Murders are my kryptonite.

Oba: I’m not sure if I have a worst moment. Favourite moment, none because they were all great.

Remi: Such a nerd.

Fiona: Leave Oba alone.

You: The first episode was definitely the worst. I had such a long day on my first day at work and it had to do with gruesome kills. Gee! Favourite moment was my birthday before it turned sour. I never really got to thank everyone for everything. You guys are great, excluding someone. And, the time I got to work undercover as Lee, minus Remi being my driver.

Remi: That’s obviously because you had a shity time in uni. And ditto!

You: Alright, guys.

Gregory: (phone rings) I have to leave.

Titilope: But we are not finished yet! 

He leaves anyway.

Titilope: Sigh. JK?

JK: Seriously? (Leaves as well)

You: I really don’t understand that man.

Fiona: He’s a really sweet person underneath all that gra-gra. 

Titilope: Before we wrap this up, does anyone want to give up teasers or expectations of Season Two?
Fiona: (bursts into laughter) The writer is asking the character? Yeah right. 

Remi: All I want is a hot chick. Bring a hot rookie to the team next season. Then, it’s going to be lit.

Titilope: Who told you I’m bringing anyone?

Oba: Hopefully, next season, I’ll have more time to visit the hospital.

You: I honestly don’t know. It would be nice to automatically skip all the martial arts classes and become a master. 

Titilope: (bursts into laughter) I’m a writer not a magician, silly. But, we’ll see. Any last words? 

Fiona: Shout out to TA, one of the avid readers before our writer flopped. Girlll, you rock. Thank you for being a reader of our episodes and I apologise on this shithead’s behalf for not updating. 

Titilope: Sighhhh. Don’t badmouth me, I brought you into this world and I can take you out.

Remi: Who cares? Get me a hot chick. That’s all I desire.

Oba: No words.

You: I just hope my sole assignment is great and I get to skip martial arts.

Titilope: There you have it folks, the cast of Naija Detectives Season One. Exclusive to http://www.thesemiwriter.wordpress.com ONLY.

Watch out for Episode Five of Naija Detectives coming soon! 

Advertisements

A Date With Reviews – Queen of Katwe

I initially thought Queen of Katwe was an anime. Silly me, right? Later, I got my sister to tell me a bit about it which from what she described was pretty nice but definitely not all that.

Side eye to La la Land. I certainly felt and still feel that was one overrated movie. No offence to Emma Stone and Ryan Gostling. But that’s a story for another day. 

Queen of Katwe follows the story of a young Ugandan girl who rises from the slums to a much better place with Chess as her armour. But success doesn’t come cheap. Or does it?

Queen of Katwe is underrated. 
So underrated that I think maybe it’s a racism thing. Jk. 

But really, its such a fantastic movie. Did you know it was based on a true life story? That’s remarkable. 

One thing that watching Queen Of Katwe taught me was definitely whatever is worth doing is worth doing well. Maybe it’s chess, maybe it’s blogging, maybe it’s dancing, maybe it’s even school. Put everything into something you love and the results would be mindblowing in the long run.

The acting was very spectacular. I might just have a new favourite actor. Shout out to David Oyelowo. You are a phenomenal actor. Lupita Nyong’o did well. A passive well but well nonetheless. Now, our main character, Madina Nalwagana who played Phiona. She’s a star. Very very great acting. Though she was a bit emotionless at times, when you expected her to be realistically filled with emotions. Perhaps that’s just the character.

My favourite character was hands-down Benjamin’s character. He was played beautifully and I want a friend like Benjamin. Omg! He’s just right, basically.

The story is really the most inspirational I’ve seen this year. I mean, it beat Hidden Figures in my hierarchy of such movies! 
I’m gobsmacked at how a story could literally be flawlessly executed. 

I’m so mad at how underrated it is. It’s so much better than 50% of Academy award nominated movies. It’s got great reviews though. Putting in 93% on Rotten Tomatoes. It’s that good. But yet, it made only 10m on a 15m budget at the box office. Ahhh. I cringe. This movie should win all the awards at all the award ceremonies. It really should. 
You should see Queen of Katwe. It’s that great. 
I’m rating it a solid A+ 

Ps – I might review Southside With You featuring Tika Sumpter. I’m most likely not going to. I think my love for the former first family clouded my judgement.

Slay On A Budget – Hair

I know, weaves are expensive.

Making your hair, treating it, it’s all expensive. 

Better weaves, making your hair, treatment, it’s more expensive.

Honestly, I’ve never been one for over-spending on things like hair, if it’s not necessary. I love expensive things, I will break the bank for a lot of things but hair is not one of them. Obviously, some things are expensive and I just have to deal but not every time, spend up to #10,000 on your hair.

For one, I feel super weird having someone else’s head of hair on my hair. No judgement to those who like it. That’s just me and my opinion, fam.

Or maybe it’s my acagonish spirit, as my sister would say. I will not spend a lot of money on weaves, like nahh. That’s not me. Who knows, may be that opinion would change someday. 

Basically, this is an intervention. It’s a fact, times are hard and the Nigerian economy is a little bit unstable. The bills aren’t rolling as they used to and its fine. Or like me, you don’t care much for expensive weaves or someone’s head of hair on your head.
I want to show you that you can be fleeky with way less. I’ll start with my current hair do.

Crochet Purple-ish Hair

I actually got the weaves for free but I asked the person that got them and she said it was about #1,000 for a pack. I used two packs.
The name is Essence Gold.

The irony of the weave is, when you see it, packed up and all new and stuff. It looks nothing like what I have on my head. It’s in pre-plaited twists so it’s supposed to be like Crochet twists or crochet braids. I was definitely not going to install it that way so I asked myself what I could do to get it popping.

Go Boho! 

I installed it for free. My elder sisters are talented at so many things and hair is one of them. Honestly, to cut down costs, you could install it yourself or ask a friend to do it for you. It doesn’t seem so hard.

What We Did – 

  • We unravelled the twists, to get the twists out effect.
  • We cut each twist out into two, making it shorter and the perfect bohemian, wavy curls.
  • After we installed it, we trimmed the edges and tada! That’s it.

I didn’t spend a dime on it but if you are buying it, you’ll spend nothing more than #2500 on the weaves, installation could be done on your own or by someone for some change.

The only downside to it is that it sheds at it’s edges, as a result of the cut edges and that sucks but it’s not terrible, it’s something that anyone can deal with. Yes, it will last. I have had mine on for a while and I cannot even begin to recount the number of compliments I get, from males and females alike, with some even asking if it’s my hair. So, it’s a great way to Slay On A Budget.

​Five Kinds Of People You See At A Lagos Public Beach 

​Disclaimer – This is meant to be a lightheaded post, even a joke so if I hurt anyone’s feelings, that’s not my intent. So sorry x 

The Pre-wedding Shoot Couple 

They are always at the beach! Doesn’t matter if it’s Elegushi, Oniru or even some private beaches sometimes. Typically, they are always in matching outfits. Then, their photographer keeps telling them to do those really 2005 poses. But not after taking shots sitting on the half-dead horses, together. Now, that should even be illegal. The horses are way too feeble for all that love.

The Family/ Friends Group

My fave! Maybe it’s because I’m usually in this lol. But, there’s always a family at the beach. I don’t mean just mother, father, kids. I’m talking great grand ma, uncle, aunty, like a million cousins, the total package. I think it’s cute but most times, they don’t clean up after themselves but the beach is always dirty anyway. The friends group on the other hand could be either ‘The cool kids crew’, complete with their pretty rompers and shorts, pretty picnic blankets, selfie sticks and a mind to partay or the dead friends group. I just can’t.

The Swimmer Duo

I swear, these ones are just brave. They are usually in their swim wears. The male, usually stick thin, wears swim shorts or boxers lol while the female, usually a little fleshy wears a one piece with ‘leggings’ or ‘tights’ underneath. The way they will just be doing swim love, inside the ocean. Ahhh! Swimming especially with the waves, doing disappearing acts and then reappearing again. Then when they are tired which is usually never, they just cuddle up just at the edge of the water. Wavey.

The Loners 

Most times, they’re usually men. I don’t know what they are always thinking about. They usually go to the parts of the beach that are more secluded, quiet and less populated. They will just sit down on the beach, not minding their clothes. I mean, who blankets epp? They are usually spaced out, in deep thoughts mood and always, I repeat always looking far into the sea or at the sun.

The Na-business-carry-me-come People

My people! They always have something to sell! From the over priced trinkets to the sometimes dysentery giving barbecue fish. Ahh, that precious day. I think I’ve actually seen someone selling magical waters at the beach before or something, the memory is foggy but it was something spooky, definitely. Then, the 70 year old men sitting in the beer tents with their 20 year old babes. I classify that as business too. 

What other kinds of people do you see at the beach? Comment on any one I missed and share your beach drama stories. I would love to read them. 

🌊🌊🌊

Behind the tacks, Olateju.A

Hi, guys. So if you all remember, I started a series last year on my Instagram called Fresh On To Lagos. Stories about things that happened to me in Lagos and other interesting details. However, I stopped because I don’t go out much and I didn’t have much to tell. Good news! Fresh on to Lagos is back but this time it is called Behind the tacks, an amazing person, radiography student and budding fashion designer would be taking over, telling us about her stories and struggles as she takes on Lagos, in schooling, lifestyle and even career wise. 

Enjoy! 

Being a medical student (Radiographer) and an evolving fashion designer has been such an interesting journey… Rocky, fun, adventurous and eventful. Pre university days, I’ve always had a flare for fashion, more than just a flare. I hand-sewed a lot growing up, read a whole lot of fashion magazine (more like I savoured the pictures, I wasn’t so much of a reader then), did a lot of high school styling and all. But everyone including me wanted me to be a doctor. Even at the time when I knew it wasn’t for me, I couldn’t imagine telling the world now. They had practically started calling me a doctor (my dad is one and so were all the neighbours I grew up with). I attended really good schools, thanks to my parents who went out of their way to give my siblings and I good education. When my years of high school were coming to an end, I knew all I wanted was just a degree then I’ll end up doing something fashion inclined.

When I couldn’t make it into medicine with UTME, everyone was pissed. I was supposed to be a very smart kid so it came as a shock. Even with diploma, I got into radiography with the hope that I would change to medicine later. When that didn’t work out even with all of the efforts put in, I knew God had another plan for me. My fashion design lifestyle started off that diploma break . 
———————————————————–
My parents weren’t big fans of getting a side job or learning a vocation, as my dad would call it. I started out selling Jalamias I contracted out because of course I had no sewing skill then. My mum was swayed into being in support of this. I quickly learnt to use the internet to my advantage; googling, learning how to cut and sew on YouTube, praticing what I learnt with my hand sewing skills (I now have a PhD in that aspect haha), figuring styles and all. The jalamia business was quite successful. It had the good times, the bad and the rocky times as well. I remember one of the funny days when a supposed ‘friend’ on BBM made an order that wasn’t backed up by payment (I was still super ignorant at that point). Since he was supposed to be a friend, I agreed to make the four jalamias and receive the money later. He ended up complaining about it.

I told him to send it back because he wasn’t staying in my state. I paid for the delivery to and fro, mind that I had not yet received any payment. I made new ones, sent it back,with my money and till today, he has not paid.

   I was so sad because I didn’t see that coming. At that point I wanted to give up but my mum was sent by God to encourage me. She kept saying she saw a bigger picture and she believed in it. I was still in partnership with my sisters. I started out with my sisters; the last one doing the PR job and the older one doing the sketching and part of the fashion design process. My mum bought all the four jalamias I had left. They were in small sizes but she bought them regardless.

This was 2013. Soon, jalamias were going out of fashion and I was slowly running out of business but I wanted more.

To be continued next week.

Monday Inspiration – The Nigerian man who drove from London to Lagos through the Sahara Desert.

His name is Dr Newton Jibunoh.

The first time he drove through the Sahara was when he was in his twenties. I’m talking about the 60s/70s. Everyone thought he was crazy. When he went to get passports for the 13 countries he would pass through, people told him it was impossible. Even at the gates of the Sahara at Morocco, they told him to wait so that he would get another crazy person that would go with him. The policy was that more than one person has to go. After waiting for more than five days, no one showed up.So, he drove for ten or more days alone through the desert. 

No, he wasn’t a rich kid who was privileged all his life! He was a village kid who lost his parents at the age of two. His sister, Didi died at thirteen. He got a scholarship to uni in America and decided to do this crazy thing while coming back to settle down. His friends gave him a book ‘How Not To Die Alone’. He reached Nigeria and the first thing they did was impound his car! Nigerians of life. No praise, no nothing. Whereas in Senegal and Accra, he was bombarded by press. Everyone wanted to see this great man.

At the age of 74, he has gone on two other trips through the Sahara. One was even a tour with the Lagos state government.

How amazing is that?! 

The point is, you can do whatever you want to do. As long as you believe in yourself, your dreams. It doesn’t matter if you’re called crazy or weird or simply mad. So many geniuses have been called mad men. 

Don’t do it for the praises though, they may never come. Do it for you!