Naija Detectives Season One is coming to a close, pretty soon. We’ve got two episodes left and it’s done. So, I decided to do a special. I’ve been searching for inspiration to write Episode Five and after this, I felt all shades of inspiration. 

Please, leave comments and tell me your favourite character. 

Titilope: Hello guys, welcome to the Naija Detectives Special. With me in the studio, I have the amazing cast of Naija Detectives; Fiona, Remi, Oba, You and JK. Gregory should be here, but he’s missing.

Fiona smiles. She is dressed in her usual ensemble, a black dress with a leather jacket. She is flanked by Oba and Remi at each side. Oba is tapping away at his phone while Remi looks like he can’t be bothered. You are very anxious and are sitting beside Oba. JK is sitting beside You and keeps glancing at his watch.

Titilope: Fiona, who is your favourite out of the lot?

Remi cocks his head and coughs, popping his collar.

Fiona: Everybody but Remi. I can’t pick favourites. Everyone is a darling in their own right.

Remi: Of course.

Fiona: Remi, can you shut it, seriously? Why are you so insufferable?

Remi : But you love it.

Fiona: Ugggghhhh!!!

Titilope: You, being the newbie, can you tell us your most remarkable experience in your few months of being with the agency?

You: Umm. They are too many. But, I feel like the best is yet to come, you know. I’m starting sole assignment next episode and I am so excited. 

Remi: Rookie behaviour. (mimics) I am so excited. 

Titilope : Which brings me to you, Remi? My first question for you would be why…

Fiona: Like why do you think you are all that, Remi? Let me tell you now, you’re a great agent, I agree but a shitty person, most of the time. The other time is just me, giving you second chances.

Remi: So much angst, Fi. Ahh. Sorry oh, no vex.

Titilope: As I was saying before Fiona cut in. Why do you keep bullying You? Is it because he upsurped you as the baby of the team? 

Remi: As if. It’s the rites of passage. They do it everywhere. If you’ve seen The Game, you’ll know what I mean. At least, I didn’t dye his hair blue.

Titilope: Point taken. Now, JK, we’ve always wondered what your name meant. 

Remi: JK Rowlings, obviously.

Titilope: Are you serious?

JK: Why am I here please? I have an important meeting today and if it’s to answer paltry questions such as what JK means, count me out! 

Titilope: I apologize, JK. Thank you for honoring our invitation. Henceforth, we promise to ask you serious questions only. 

JK: (mutters)

Titilope: Oba, you have been so quiet and glued to your phone. 

Oba: Yeah, I mean. No questions were directed at me. So…

Titilope: Let’s fix that, shall we. Oba, what do you do besides being an agent?

Fiona: Ahh. Oba ke? My coconut head overachiever of life.

Oba: Well, I volunteer for a lot of things like charities and stuff. I’m into coding and I teach free coding classes when I’m less busy. I’m also a french and russian translator. Then, there’s the hospital.

Titilope: Wow! You must really have no time for girls. 

Oba: (breaks into a smile) Well, I guess I don’t. But…

Titilope: But..

Oba: There’s this one girl I like.

Remi: It’s a lie! You, Oba, you like a girl. I was already thinking you played for the other team.

Fiona: And even if he does, so what?

Remi: But Fiona, I wasn’t talking to you.

Fiona: Oh, so I don’t have a right to freedom of speech? Because I can certainly inform you of about seven laws that state I do!

You: These two! They are always at each other’s throats. I mean, when Remi is done with me, of course.

Titilope: Guys, guys, focus. This moment is very important. Oba, please go on.

Oba: Well, I like someone but it’s not going to lead anywhere. She likes someone else.

Fiona: She’s not worth it then. Any girl would be lucky to be with you, Oba.

Everyone (even JK): Awwwwwwww

Titilope: Speaking of being with, Fiona, can you tell us anything about your love life?

Fiona: Mostly, the lack of it. He’s never going to see me for who I truly am. 

Remi: Lucky dude! 

Gregory hurriedly walks in.

Gregory: I am so so sorry. I needed to take care of a few things at the agency.

Titilope: No problem, Gregory. Welcome.

JK: I don’t believe this. Why am I here, please?

Titilope: I was just getting to that. Being the head of the agency, you have worked with a lot of teams. JK, will you say this team is the best you’ve worked with so far? 

JK: (scoffs) Which team? These ones?

Everyone: JK!!!

JK: You all can’t take a joke. For goodness sake! They may not be the best I’ve worked with. But, there’s just something about them. Their team-work is top-notch. I think that’s the most admirable thing about them. Don’t be fooled by the bickering. They are a strong unit and they get the job done.

Everyone: Aawwwwwww

Fiona stands to hug JK

JK: That’s enough. (He brushes imaginary dirt off his clothes)

Titilope: Moving on, Gregory. I remember, in Episode Two B, you were so aggressive and adamant on Michael Emu being the culprit. What was up with that? 

Gregory: (scratches head) Errrm. To be honest, it was my guts but obviously, it was wrong and that happens. Your guts can fail you.

Titilope: Noted.

Titilope: Fiona, you kept the card from Episode Three, what’s the plan?

Fiona: Well, keep reading and find out.

Titilope: So, it’s almost the end of the first season. What has been your favourite and worst moments each?

Fiona: Episode three, definitely. The whole of it for favourite moment. Then, worst moment, of course, Laptop Gate. That chief is one of the most insufferable people I’ve ever met.

Remi: Alas! Fiona learnt a new word.

Titilope: Oh Fiona. But, that was a really risky move. 

Fiona: Yeah, yeah.

JK: It’s very simple, it’s the risk and reward principle. That’s why they are in very much demand.

Titilope: Noted. Everyone else?

Remi: Worst moment was when I had to be rookie’s driver for an episode. The little rat! Favourite episode, the first. Murders are my kryptonite.

Oba: I’m not sure if I have a worst moment. Favourite moment, none because they were all great.

Remi: Such a nerd.

Fiona: Leave Oba alone.

You: The first episode was definitely the worst. I had such a long day on my first day at work and it had to do with gruesome kills. Gee! Favourite moment was my birthday before it turned sour. I never really got to thank everyone for everything. You guys are great, excluding someone. And, the time I got to work undercover as Lee, minus Remi being my driver.

Remi: That’s obviously because you had a shity time in uni. And ditto!

You: Alright, guys.

Gregory: (phone rings) I have to leave.

Titilope: But we are not finished yet! 

He leaves anyway.

Titilope: Sigh. JK?

JK: Seriously? (Leaves as well)

You: I really don’t understand that man.

Fiona: He’s a really sweet person underneath all that gra-gra. 

Titilope: Before we wrap this up, does anyone want to give up teasers or expectations of Season Two?
Fiona: (bursts into laughter) The writer is asking the character? Yeah right. 

Remi: All I want is a hot chick. Bring a hot rookie to the team next season. Then, it’s going to be lit.

Titilope: Who told you I’m bringing anyone?

Oba: Hopefully, next season, I’ll have more time to visit the hospital.

You: I honestly don’t know. It would be nice to automatically skip all the martial arts classes and become a master. 

Titilope: (bursts into laughter) I’m a writer not a magician, silly. But, we’ll see. Any last words? 

Fiona: Shout out to TA, one of the avid readers before our writer flopped. Girlll, you rock. Thank you for being a reader of our episodes and I apologise on this shithead’s behalf for not updating. 

Titilope: Sighhhh. Don’t badmouth me, I brought you into this world and I can take you out.

Remi: Who cares? Get me a hot chick. That’s all I desire.

Oba: No words.

You: I just hope my sole assignment is great and I get to skip martial arts.

Titilope: There you have it folks, the cast of Naija Detectives Season One. Exclusive to ONLY.

Watch out for Episode Five of Naija Detectives coming soon! 


NAIJA DETECTIVES – Episode Four, Part B

The chief stands up in protest.

‘You can not just come and search my shop like that! Biko, this is violation. Laptop, kwa? You want to spoil business for me! What is this nonsense?’

‘We just want to have a little look around and we would be out of your hair in no time’, Fiona explains gently.

I mentally roll my eyes. Fiona is being too nice, legit. We have a warrant, I don’t think we need his permission, honestly. But I’m just the rookie so I take the back seat here and watch it all unfold.

‘Oya, take phone!’, the man gives his phone to Fiona to speak to someone at the other end of the line. 

Fiona sighs but takes it anyway.

‘We have a warrant. With all due respect, it is within our power and in fact duty to do so…. What do you mean?’.



It’s so absolutely annoying! I don’t understand these people or this country. So bloody confusing, to be honest. I’m weak. Before we were able to search the store, bloody problem. After searching, no relevant information or leads! 

And the man had the damn audacity to actually report us, especially ‘the girl with the dada hair’ being me, for our brash conduct. What the hell! I was so nice and super agreeable.

JK literally bashed me. The irony. I want him to hold me in his arms, not scold me like a baby. 

I chuckle.

Talking about arms, he certainly looked as fine as hell today. And his toned arms, in that sleeveless jumper made my day!

Fiona, stop acting like a school girl with a crush!

Hold that thought. 

But damn crushes.

Someone clears their throat behind me.

It’s Remi. Uggh. 

‘Mama Fiona, who is the unfortunate person you are crushing on o? Let me tell them sorry’, he bursts into laughter.

I mentally face-palm, I had no idea I was thinking aloud.

‘Remi, are you really messing with innocent, seer me this sweet afternoon?’, I smile sweetly, subtly threatening.

‘Don’t do what you’re thinking. Don’t even try it!’. 

‘Good boy, now bye!’, I blow him a kiss. 

You, watching it all unfold burst into laughter, much to Remi’s chagrin.

Rookie, he barked.

The internet is still bustling with tweets, posts and more, #BringBackOurGirlsPartTwo’s campaign is never ending, at more than two thousand tweets per minute. Many organisations have pledged support for Nigeria in cracking this, also the international community continues to support the cause as more and more influencers show their support. 
I’m so uncomfortable with this #BringBackOurGirlsPartTwo saga and us, not being on this case. It has become such a national issue, I would rather be doing that than Laptop gate. 

I type the hashtag into my search engine. Oh wow! This is officially an international crisis, I mutter. 


Fiona stops me as I walk into the office. ‘So how did you do?’, she asks. ‘How did I do what?’, I ask her in turn. ‘ Don’t play stupid, silly. You know what I mean, your progress assessment’. 

‘Oh that’, I scratch my head, finally understanding. Lord knows how she knows these things.

‘I got my e-mail this morning and I actually have been doing not bad. I’ve made really good progress on most of my categories except self defence’. ‘Martial arts?’, she asks. ‘Martial arts, to be exact. You guessed right’.

And my first sole assignment is coming up. I explain all this to Fiona. She is definitely much more excited about it than I am. Typical Fiona! 

‘About martial arts, the instructors are pigs so its always hard at first. Don’t beat yourself up. My first sole assignment was a bomb though. It was so awesome. I got to go undercover in a drugs mission, find out where the drugs were coming from and going to. Basically an information mole for them to bust the whole operation. Do you want me to read JK or Gregory to find out your sole assignment?’

‘Yes, yes, please’, I plead.

‘Dreams haha’.


So they are protesting about this in the capital already. I scroll down my Twitter feeds. But no, Laptop flipping gate is our problem. And we wonder how Trump became president? I tried to talk to Gregory to at least give us, me an angle to this. He didn’t listen. Told me we weren’t done fixing Laptop gate so I should ‘deal with that’. 

Fiona knocks.

‘Check Channel 55, I think we may have a lead on Laptop Gate’. 



And I knocked the smug face off his stupid face. It’s funny how the last time we were here, he didn’t want to shut up but now, he’s as meek as a mouse. Ha ha. Telling me how sorry he was and uncooperative, because he knows very well that an action would be brought and he could be an added party. I’m sure you’re wondering how we got here. A certain part of the country has been trying to secede for a while and has been causing trouble. Apparently, one thing led to another and led to Laptop Gate because a ‘fighter’ decided to take it upon himself to our explosive devices in the laptops to show them ‘how serious we are’. I would say the heart of man is desperately wicked but that should be Rookie’s choice of words because I’ve seen worse. Way worse.

‘See you in court, Chief’.


The whole nation is still shocked from the recent kidnapping scandal of three daughters of prominent business men in the country. Aimed to become another Bring Back Our Girls Saga, everyone flew into action, with the international community tailing behind. However, more scandalous was the news that it was all a joke. Apparently, the three daughters of the leading business men were just joking and didn’t think it would escalate quickly. In an apology letter issued openly to the whole nation. They admitted being ‘careless, callous, irresponsible, childish and didn’t stop to think once of what outcome their actions might bring’. There have been no further comments.

My name is Kolade Johnson. Reporting, Ocean Tv.

(Lol. I was in a super hurry to be done with this episode so its not the best. It was dragging on for so long and I just had to just deal with it! We are officially two episodes away from the end of Naija Detectives Season One. It’s a bitter-sweet thing for me tbh. I can’t wait to start Season Two and bring new characters, more crime and more and more action)

Life Update

Hi TSW readers.

Ikr. I never do life updates but I think I owe it to you guys. Hopefully, I don’t have any typos though because I have long ass nails and my laptop apparently doesn’t have auto correct. Weird, right? I haven’t been posting on a regular, I apologise. School is taking like 80% of my time and I still haven’t even gotten any work done tbh. But its no excuse, sorrrry.

I recently started a new project. It is called The Idea Artillery. It is still in the works tbh and I’m so busy these days. However, I have actually had my first gig and it was fun. I did my first thing for a post-AMVCA show called Style Pundits. We had like a live video thing where we talked about fashion choices for the awards. Mind you, TIA isn’t really about fashion but it was fun. After my exams is when you would really see the manifestation.

I’m thinking of renaming ZONE to Coffee Pot. Of late, I am in love with coffee. Its everything and more. I miss going to Cafe Neo tbh, the aroma of coffee is so pleasing despite the coffee burning my tongue. And you know, coffee for book buffs is like alcohol for party pops. I think for Coffee Pot, the focus would really shift, from just you guys to us both. I pray that God gives me strength to deal with it accordingly.

We are two episodes and a half from the end of Naija Detectives Season One. OMG! If you really didn’t know, Naija Detectives was my first attempt at thriller, crime and even a Nigerian series generally. Unfortunately, once I am done with it, I might have to take it down – still deciding. I want to put it in an e-book and gift it out to each and everyone of you! But, still deciding.

I am thinking of discontinuing The Semi Writer’s instagram account. I can’t keep up, I hardly post anything there these days but I might just leave it, for official keeps.

Typing on  a laptop is the hardest thing in the world when your nails are disagreeable.

I love you guys!

Thanks for sticking with little lazy ‘ol me.

I’ll do better.

NAIJA DETECTIVES – Episode Four, Part A


It’s 4am in the morning, we’ve just been called into work. As I enter the office, I see that Remi, Oba and Fiona are seated already.

Jk begins, ‘I want to commend your efforts in the Batuwa-Damochie case. I am highly impressed’.

‘Thanks boss’, Fiona answered happily.


‘Hi, I just called to request a cab’, she spoke into her phone.

‘Um, um. Just at Mokola, Waterfall estates, just say you’re going to Akintola’s House. It’s a green building, yes. Please call me as soon as you get here’.

She applies her Mac lipstick, red as her nails. Fully dressed in designer, Hauwa is ready to party and turn up all night. What more did she want? A bank account filled with cash, a wardrobe full of this season’s clothes and parents who would do anything, anything for her.

Bisi, her friend walks in, wearing a custom Balmain frock. 

‘Olivier literally wows me everytime’, Hauwa comments.

‘I absolutely agree. I saw this in one of his 2016 Collections, the one he had Maria Borges and Christian Ronaldo in and I couldn’t get over it’.

‘True, major couture envy’.

Their friend, Michella is on the bed, skyping with her parents.

‘Yes mum, I swear, I will call you once we get there. No, dad, you don’t have to send Sule to drive us. We are getting a cab and he’s almost here. We’ll be fine, Hauwa’s mum is seeing us off’.

Hauwa and Bisi exchange glances and burst into laughter. Michella, visibly irritated hangs up.

‘They are so clingy’, she grumbles.

‘You know you enjoy it’, Bisi tells her. She shrugs. Hauwa gets a notification that the cab’s arrived.

‘Time to roll, girls’.


In National Health Care Centre, Abuja, the secretary is happy with his new laptop. He bought it as a long due gift to himself. ‘That stupid Irene will be one-upped’, he thought. She just got an iPad the week before and wouldn’t stop showing off. ‘These young girls, so rude! They will just be feeling on top of the world with their gadgets and boyfriends’, he exclaimed. 

‘But that one na her own’.

He turned it on and got to work, typing the brief for that day. His colleague, Adam walks in.

‘Oga Belo, this your new laptop na die’.

He grins, ‘Thank you oh’.

‘Asus abi?’.

‘No, oh, BXM’.

‘Let me see’.

He goes over to his side and peeps into the screen of the laptop. Belo clicks on the Start button and a weird sound emits from the laptop. Suddenly, a loud and large explosion occurs. 



Scrolling through my Twitter feeds, I can’t help but notice the latest hashtag. What’s this #BringBackOurGirlsPartTwo about anyway? Nigerians though, we are always trending. It’s not easy. I chuckle. Some of these tweets though.


Retweet until they do something about it. #BringBackOurGirlsPartTwo #WhereAreThey 


It’s crazy that three beautiful girls would just disappear and it’s crazier that no one is doing anything about it. #WhereAreThey 


Apparently, the new death penalty for kidnappers doesn’t mean shit. Nigerians, stay woke. #WhereAreThey 

Wait, is that a tweet from Zena Black, popular American actress?


#Nigeria needs to wake up! Three beautiful girls have been taken away from their families. What are they doing about it? Stay woke! #WhereAreThey?


The international community needs to speak up. Will this be another #BringBackOurGirls? #Nigeria #StayWokeNoSleep 

Retweeted by @rihanna, @steveharvey, @katyperry, @zendaya and 15, 906 others.

 Nawa oh. What is going on in this country? It seems like something that has really gained ground. I quickly send a text to Fiona about it. I’m sure she would have the accurate or almost accurate 411. Right away, she replies. Fiona, always the current one, I think, laughing. Apparently, the daughters of three prominent business men in Nigeria were kidnapped, together, in the same night, in the same situation, in Ibadan. Ibadan is usually a quiet, gistless city so this is super surprising. It escalated to that extent, as a result of a video released on the Instagram through the account of one of the girls. A video of them begging for help and all. Everyone is so concerned about them. She sends the video. It’s so heart-breaking. It’s obvious that these girls are wealthy, high class kids. I can’t imagine how their parents must be feeling. They look terrible, I hope they haven’t been raped.

I tweet, ‘What’s going on in this society? Isn’t this a replay of 2013? Will we watch them never return home? #WhereAreThey?’


‘Welcome home, dear’, Fatima hugs her husband and takes his bag. He hugs her back. 

‘I have made your favourite soup and Eba. Should I serve you?’.

‘Not yet’, he replies, ‘I have a surprise for you’. 

He brings out a parcel, wrapped in red paper. ‘You know how you always complained of how outdated your laptop is, so I decided to get you a new one’. 

Fatima takes the parcel and hugs him. ‘My husband, thank you. The one and only love of my life. May God continue to provide for you. Amin’.

She opens it up in excitement. The last thing she heard before it went off was, ‘It’s even your favourite colour, rose gold’.


‘There have been several reports of bombing in this past week, about seven or so incidents. It’s alarming’, Gregory states.

‘I know right, I was wondering if it was of our concern though’, Fiona says.

‘Of course, it is, smallie. Why else are we here?’, sarcastically, Remi asks.

Fiona groans, irritated.

‘You four, have been placed on this case, on instruction from very high quarters. Do not fail me, verbatim from JK’, Gregory continues.

‘Yes,boss’, Remi mock-salutes.

Oba speaks, ‘Myself and Fiona were discussing the recent kidnap the other day. It’s been literally a revolution. I think you would know something, Greg. Why isn’t anyone up talking about this? And why aren’t doing something’.

‘I know right’.

Gregory sighs. ‘Well, it’s not really ours to handle. Besides, the parents brought in experts from America and Saudi Arabia to deal with it. Plus, we can’t even interfere. One of them, the non-nigerian has the Spanish embassy running around on its behalf. They really don’t want our help. Let’s concern ourselves with the case at hand, please’.



‘Wait, oh’, I cut in as Fiona explains. ‘The long and short of all the story is that, all the laptops exploding have the same source’. 

‘Yes, genius’, she replies. 

‘Rookie, you never learn, listen to the whole thing before you interrupt’, interrupts Remi. I roll my eyes. Pot calling kettle black. 

Remi is a pig, honestly. The hazing has stopped, thank God but he is still a huge asshole. 

‘So, I hope you’re ready, boys. Time for some major interrogation’,she says.

I don’t mean to deviate from the matter at hand but you need to see the way Oba is staring at Fiona like she’s gold. I think he really likes her. She doesn’t read him or Remi so I doubt she knows. I know right, yet she reads me, a lot. I asked Oba about it and he said she will stop reading me when she can, it’s a will power thing. Trust and a lot of work, self control has to go into it. It might sound easy but it’s not. I guess she hasn’t reached that point yet.


Haha. You are so cute. Of course, I know, Oba has a crush on me. It’s cute but firstly, in the agency, inter-work relationships are not encouraged. Secondly, Oba is like my brother, you know. They both are but while Remi is the bully, Oba is the one that pampers you and stands up for you. 

We walk into the store, Eze Technologies and Co. , Alaba written boldly on the giant billboard at it’s entrance. We meet the receptionist and ask to see the manager. 


Twitter Nigeria is still bustling and bubbling with the news and development of the kidnapped girls. More and more people are tweeting every hour with the release of two new ransom and plea videos, notably excluding one of the girls named Michella Xavier-Muelino. It is feared that she may be harmed or even worse. Many Nigerian celebrities, international organisations and public figures have released statements or dropped thoughts concerning the kidnapping. Award winning singer, Madonna, 70 expressed her concern and anxiety in a post on Instagram yesterday which she captioned, Bring Back Our Girls Part Two? Amnesty International has urged the federal government to ‘take action or watch Nigeria become a safeless place all over again’. 

Reporting Kayode Adeyemi, Ocean Tv, Ibadan


The translations are in brackets. ()

‘Oba ! Stop acting silly and pass me that pen!’, Fiona practically screams.
Fiona, crazy Fiona.

She laughs out loud. Sometimes, I forget that she can hear me. 

Now, where is that irritating… 

As if on cue, Remi arrives looking like his usual dandy self.

He starts to say something annoying but I just tune off. 

It’s going to be a long day.


I am inside a bus. Not a molue, a danfo. I don’t have a car. Yet. And I couldn’t carpool to Obalende with Oba today. It’s his day off. The intelligence wahala can kill somebody. (The intelligence struggles are enough to kill a person)  Did I tell you I work on all days, back to back? The only free day I have is sunday but I haven’t even had a free sunday in a while. Thankfully, I’m on a well-deserved break. I got a half day today at work for the first time in a while and I’m spending the rest of the day with my family. The intelligence has been super tedious these days, especially with my new martial arts instructor. He is a nightmare, I repeat he is a nightmare. But it’s part of my on the job training so that I can ‘defend’ myself. I wonder why he let me go early today. It’s surprising. But I’ll rest finally.


‘Long life and prosperity,

Hip Hip Hip! Hooray’.

My mum stands in front with a beautiful cake she baked me. Fiona is at her side with Remi, as well as many of my friends and family. This is so unexpected. I didn’t even tell anyone what today is but I’m sure Fiona must have read it off my mind or something.

‘You got me!’, I raise my hands in mock surrender. They all burst into laughter. Remi says in that cocky stupid voice, ‘That’s the point, rookie!’.

Fiona frowns. ‘Remi, it is his birthday and this is his house. We can kick you out’. There is more laughter.

I hug my mother and my sisters. By the time I greet everyone round, the party is already in full swing. Music blaring from the speakers, assorted food and drinks. They really went all out for me.

‘Umm… umm..’, Somebody clears their throat. ‘Oh, hi Fiona’. She smiles at me. ‘Sorry, Oba couldn’t make it. He had his hospital thing today’. 

‘No problem’.

Remi walks by and interrupts,’Rookie! Your mum’s cooking is excellent. She even packed some for me to go. Fiona, nice party throwing skills. Gotta go. So I’ll see you both later’. He leaves. 

She gives me a box wrapped in gold paper with a red bow on top.

‘Fiona of life! Thanks so much meen. I really appreciate. I know you put this together with my mum’. She shrugs. As I open the box, a gold ray hits me.

‘Fiona! This is way too much’. 

‘It is yours. Happy birthday!’, she says smiling.


I take out the brand new watch and put it on smiling.

‘This is crazy, seriously. Fiona, thank you. I’ll be right back’.

 I need to look for my mum to come and help me thank her. I look around for her, she is not in the sitting room where the party is being held. I check the kitchen and her room, not there either. 

But she was just there. I can see her phone on the kitchen table. 

‘Mum?’, I call out.

 I walk outside to see her giving Usman, the gateman food for the neighbours.

‘Usman, when you come back. Come collect your own’.


‘Everyone, calm down. It’s going to be alright’, Fiona whispers to the three people crouched down beside her, heads to the ground. Two of the masked men, dressed in head to toe black are stripping people of their jewellery, money and other valuables while one, seemingly the leader looks on.

‘Wetin you dey talk for there. I go shoot you now, blow your brains out’. (What are you saying over there? I will shoot you now, blow your brains out)

The leader of the men continually states at Fiona.

‘Come here!’, he orders. She doesn’t answer or move, instead she gives him a hard look. One of his minions grabs her arm and pulls her to the leader. 

‘You better no form for here. Oga dey call you, you dey carry last. Abi you wan make I…’, he holds the end of the pistol to her nose. (You better not pretend here. The boss is calling you, you’re being a moron. Or you want me to…)

The leader speaks, ‘It’s gonna be an absolute shame for a beautiful girl like you to go to waste because you’re so stubborn’.

‘I could hardly care but you’re already a waste’, she retorted.

One of the minions want to hit her but the leader laughs and raises his palm in objection.

‘So, I’m guessing it is your birthday today. Cake and all plus seeing how pissed you obviously are. I’m sorry for doing this, didn’t mean to ruin your party but I’m not going to hurt anybody. Can I make it up to you?’.

‘Yes’, Fiona smiles sweetly. She continues, ‘Kill yourself because you’re going to die anyway’. The hyper one of the two minions grab her and tries to hit her. She dodges and kicks him in the groin instead. His pistol falls and she catches it right before it hits the floor. She points it at the leader. 

‘Don’t mess with me’. 



‘Let me have the gun’.

‘Over my dead body’.

‘Be a good girl’.

‘I said no!’.

The other minion returns. ‘Oga, yawa don gass’. ( Boss, there’s trouble)

‘What happened?’.

Sirens start to wail and a speaker booms, ‘This is the police, you are surrounded…’


‘For some reason,something about him seemed so familiar. Like I had heard his voice or…’


‘I know that voice’.


‘Let me just think abo..’

‘Dammit! Fiona, that was risky. You could have died!’

‘But I didn’t. Now, that voice. It has a certain tint to it’.

Remi walks in with Oba.

‘Fiona, thank God you called when you did and distracted them for a while. The police said that if they had left even a few minutes early, they would have gone scotfree so well done’.

‘Whoop, whoop!’

‘Bad news though, when we went back to the station, all traces of a third person had been wiped. Right now, there is no record of a third person in the attempted robbery’.

‘Hell why?’, I ask suddenly angry.

Fiona just shakes her head.

‘Let me guess,it wasn’t one of the two minions’. 

‘Nope’, Oba negated.

‘Wow, how convenient!’, I mumble sarcastically.

‘That’s Nigeria for you, maan’.

Gregory walks in.

‘Fiona, seems JK needs you in his office’.

‘Coming right up!’

Fiona smiled, the card she had found at the crime scene after the robbery was in her pocket.

                  Aliyu A. Mahada

        Federal Ministry of Agriculture

NAIJA DETECTIVES – Episode Two, Part B

Fiona’s POV 

‘Hi guys. My name is Flora. Please call me Miss Flora. I am a counsellor. I understand that many of you are still traumatised by the events of the past week. I get that you have questions that are unanswered and are causing mental headaches for some of you. As a counsellor and psychologist, this what I am here for, to make things better. I will have a group session with you for forty minutes where we will share our feelings and you’ll feel tons better’. 

More like I’ll read your minds.

I hear a whistle and a ‘Damn, she’s hot!’. I sort of took your advice and tried to switch up things today to look more like a counsellor. I’ll admit, I was irritated about it because that is so sexist on your part but you’re kinda right. I wore a dress but not without a leather jacket over it, took out my septum, wore sandals and a head wrap. Just for the record, those things are a pain to tie. 

‘Besides our group session, we will have a mandatory one on one session. I will hand out some questionnaires I expect you to fill correctly to help me in helping you’. 

I hand out the questionnaires which I had already prepared. I spot the VVIPs seated in the middle of the class. How different! I thought the bad boys were the back benchers.

‘May I know your names? Starting from the last row’.



They begin to say their names.



‘Your goal is to make friends with them’, Greg’s voice echos in my head as I walk into the hallways, absolutely feeling myself and my new shoes. I love the wardrobe for this job. These kicks are everything. 

A few people greet me as I walk.

‘Guy, how far?’

Remi was right. The party thing worked. Half the place seems to know who I am already. I spot the VVIPs ahead.

‘Hey, Lee. What’s good, man?’. I fist-bump them. We talk a bit but soon, myself and Michael leave for PHY 302. 


Oba’s POV

‘I have been able to trace the link but it keeps distorting. I don’t know why. The blog creator is some sort of tech genius’. I text Fiona. 

Almost immediately, my phone buzzes. I laugh at her reply. Only Fiona! 

Someone knocks on the door and comes in. 

‘Oh, hi Gregory’. 

‘How’s it going?’.

‘Great, been able to trace it but it keeps bouncing back at a point. I’ll have to break down some fire walls but I’ll fix it deffs. It’s going to take a while though’

‘Okay, I’m glad you’re making progress cause Boss just called. We have to work fast, you know how it is’.

‘Yeah, I do’.

‘Have you heard from Fiona…’


Remi’s POV 

Where’s this idiot?

I hate being your driver, honestly. It should be me out here, checking out hot chicks, partying hard and wearing designer clothes. Not you! 

Oh, the moron is coming. 

I pop on my dapmod sunglasses. Yes, dapmod.

‘Nice ride, Lee’, one of his new friends commended.

‘Yeah, it’s chill’, another chipped in. 

I’m rolling my eyes inwardly right now.

‘You can’t drive, bro?’

This should seriously be me. Not you!

‘I can but my pops kinda wanted me to have him’, he replies. He continues, ‘He’s really chill if you look past the angry exterior’.

I frown even deeper. 

‘He looks really pissed maan’.

I’m going crazy at this point. I am going to kill you once we are done with this shit, rookie.

 I clear my throat.

‘Guys, this is Charles’, I hear him say introducing me. Of all names in the world, you had to choose Charles. Wow! You are dead meat.

‘Charles, these are Rome, Nas and Michael’.

What pretentious names! 

I fake a smile. I motion for him to come closer and whisper in his ear.

‘You are dead!’. Just as I whisper, three beautiful ladies walk to the car. Damn! They are gorgeous. 

‘Do you guys know where I can get medicine for constipation? Seems Charles needs it’, I hear you saying.

You are dead.

Everyone bursts out laughing.

Like the bunch of fools they are.


The Intelligence 


Fiona says,’Well, I talked to the students and read them. I’m surprised I don’t have an overload. Most of them are surprisingly indifferent.They really don’t give a hoot but they wanted to riot. Many of them have never rioted before or seen one so it was the exhilaration that fuelled it’. 

‘Wawuu! When did rioting become fun?’

‘A few of them caught my attention though. A kid named Michael. Some Phillip dude and a few others’.

‘Could he have pulled off something like that?’, Gregory asks.

‘I did a little snooping around and it seems like he doesn’t really fit in with the VVIPs anyway’, answers Remi

‘You did some snooping around? Does it make sense to you? Lee’s driver who looks like a certain alumni asking questions around about his new friends?’, I ask irritated.

‘Yes, actually’, He replies.

‘I’ll send an e-mail asking for their info’.


Two of the members of the board walk into her office. Mrs Emu and Mrs Ayinla, two wealthy women who co-owned the university along side four others.

The director rises to greet them.

‘Ahh,Mrs Emu, Mrs Ayinla. Good afternoon. I never knew you were coming’.

‘Obviously’, Mrs Emu replies her.

‘Excuse me, ma?’, the director asks.

Mrs Ayinla continues,’Funke! What type of nonsense is this? Do you want to drag the name of this institution in the mud? I don’t know you’re doing but get your act together. We almost had parents withdrawing students because of this petty incident’

‘I’m so disappointed, Funke. After all, I have been a director at a university before and so as Ayinla. It has never been this bad’, Mrs Emu says.

Mrs Ayinla agreed, ‘Ohh  ohhh’

‘With all due respect ma, I had no little or nothing to do with the crisis. The allegations are untrue. You know. However, the crisis has occurred. The next thing is solution and I’m working on it.

‘I certainly hope you are’.


Oba’s POV 

Michael Emu.

I run my eyes through the email I had just received. This is enough evidence. But, what is the motive? His mother is on the board of owners, so he might have gotten the information from her. But what is the motive? 



‘Your house is huge, maan’. 

He chuckles and shrugs.

‘I’m sure it’s nothing compared to yours’, he replies.

‘No maan, this is amazing. What do your folks do again?’

He frowns.

Jerome and Nas come in.

‘Shit! I forgot to send in some email stuff. Can I borrow your computer? ‘, I ask him pointing to the Macbook Pro on the table.

Nas and Jerome laugh. 

‘No waay. That’s like his girlfriend o. Her name is Sarafina’, Nas jokes.

Michael shakes his head and takes his laptop out of the room.

Nas continues, ‘He doesn’t let people use it. Says his codes and programs cannot be messed with. He’s into programming and all that tech stuff’.

‘So Fifa 16?’,Michael says as he walks back in.

I quickly send a text to Oba.

‘He’s good at tech stuff. Apparently, he’s a programmer’.

‘Let’s do this!’, I say, picking up a controller.


Oba’s POV 

All roads lead to Michael Emu, literally. He’s a loner who only has two friends, hardly social but somehow is in the hottest clique in the school. A tech genius. There’s something weird about the guy, understandly but my guts say it’s not him. Problem is there’s too much evidence besides protocol is protocol.



I stare at the three figures on the screen in front of me. Fiona hands me a can of coke from the cooler. This is such a Dejavu moment.

She smiles and nods.

‘I personally think Gregory is being too hard on him’, I tell her.

‘I get that but he’s not making it easy either’,She replies.

‘Why isn’t Oba talking though? He looks more like an observer than an interrogator’


Oba’s POV 

Gregory is shouting now. I’m beyond irritated. I respect his authority but force isn’t going to make him own up. If he did it, he isn’t going to exactly say ‘Yes, I did it. Yay!’

‘Listen to me, you have two options. You own up and tell us the truth if it is,cause you’re in a lot of trouble, son. Slander is like five years mim and its so sad that the case has gained national popularity so you won’t be let off easily. Trust me’,Gregory tells him.

I’ve watched him the past five minutes of interrogation. My guts don’t think he’s the one.

Gregory tells me, ‘He’s all yours. I’m done here’ and leaves.

I clear my throat.

I say, ‘As much as I want to believe you, Michael. Evidence is not on your side. The things we found on your laptop totally implicates you. Besides, we traced the blog to your laptop. You’re tech savvy, I’m sure you understand’.

He sighs.

‘I swear, I don’t know what you are talking about. I would never do that. I don’t even know shit about school like that’.

‘Your friends, anyone,do they ever use your laptop?’

‘Never, I’ve got high profile software and programs I wouldn’t risk anyone stealing or corrupting in there. Nobody touches it’.

‘So that means, you don’t take it to class. Out?’

‘I swear, never’.

‘Could anyone you know have gone behind you to use it?’

‘No way. My passwords are not easy to infiltrate. But this dude, Lee asked me for my laptop like two days ago, I said no’.

‘Doesn’t relate. I’m talking about two weeks, three weeks’.



‘Wait, mum asked for my laptop few weeks ago. She took it to work. Her laptop crashed and she’s my mum, I couldn’t say…’


‘Does that mean my mum…?’

‘Yes, you said it yourself’.

I stand up and walk out. Don’t worry, he’s not allowed to leave yet until his mother is in our custody.



As I carpooled with Oba to Obalende, we talked about a lot of things. From random guy talk to the case. 

Eventually, Mrs Emu got arrested but you know rich people. She got out on bail. Apparently, she despises the director and that was enough to want to ruin her career. I’m not even going to try to understand it. Somehow, an hour after she was let go, we got a call at the office. The university decided not to press charges anymore. That sucks! The poor director! I am not impressed at all. On the bright side,I got a call up to JK’s office. He commended my invaluable efforts on this case. His words, not mine. Haha! Sigh. I’ll miss those kids. They sure made me remember my uni days. Granted it was not as glam as theirs, with their wicked parties and nice cars but uni is uni. I smile. 
I get to keep the designer clothes by the way.

In the school cafe, everyone is talking about the latest news. The culprit of the blog had been found. The person was kept anonymous for safety sake but appropriate measures had been taken. Whoever they were, the school decided to settle out of court, a joint decision by the board and NUB. Rumours had it that the director wasnt so happy about it. The VVIPs walk in with the Bees at their side.

‘Buchi’s dress be giving me life’

‘Nasir looks fatter’.

‘Bren got an internship at William & Williams for the break’

‘Did you see Rome’s latest snap? Omg’

‘Why is Bolade walking like that?’

‘Michael looks funny’.

As they walk to their signature table at the far front of the cafe. Michael observes everyone, with their gossip and never ending chatter, about himself and his friends definitely. He smiles. If only they knew! 

NAIJA DETECTIVES – Episode Two, Part A

​Students walk in and out the relaxation centre at the back of the Student Government Building, chattering as they go. Some take seats while others opt not to.The female students are more than their male counterparts as usual. It is like a rainbow of students decked in all shades of colour. Some are science or medical students, with their spotless laboratory coat or law students in their boring monochromatic ‘uniforms’. For some others, it is hard to tell where they belong to. 

A group of the popular girls walk past in their mini skirts, designer shirts and enough make-up for a whole year! A general discussion soon breaks out.

‘The Bees are here’

‘I don’t like Bolade. I personally think she’s too proud’.

‘I literally want to just hug Bren anytime I see her. She is so nice’

‘Buchi is really cute though. If only she would wear less make-up’

‘They’re just there, honestly’

‘These girls are rad maan. Too much sauce’

‘They think too much of themselves’

‘Too bad most of them are taken by the VVIPs’

A commotion starts outside and many leave the centre to see what is going on. Alas! The north wall of the Student Government Building has been spray painted. It says WATCH YOUR BACK


Students are surprised because few minutes ago, the wall was clear. A few students began to take pictures of the writing, no doubt to send to popular gossip sites and their class groupchats.

Some log on to the blog and then, the  real commotion begins. Soon, group chats are flooded with urls of the new gossip blog.

‘You have got to be shitting me’

‘Is that not the University Director?’

‘Oh my lord’

‘So the SUG President was embezzling our dues’

‘They want to increase tuition fees?’
Oba’s POV 

‘Well, well, well. Isn’t that Remi’s alma mater on the TV?’, Fiona asks.


The educational system in Nigeria though. It keeps getting worse and worse and I honestly wonder why. Statically speaking, we have the resources to make it better. So why is it this bad?

‘Yada, yada, boring, boring, boring’. Remi walks in.

‘Now if it isn’t the chip off the old school’, Fiona jokes. We all laugh. 

‘No wonder Remi is so violent. We can see where you get it from, Remi. We can now understand you better’, Fiona gestures to the TV that now shows a female reporter interviewing some of the students protesting.

‘Is that my ex?’

‘Shut up!’.


The Director of the university is on a skype call with the president of the National University Board (NUB).

‘The allegations are untruthful. There is no proof anyway’.

‘The students don’t know this’.

‘I am at a loss, president sir’.

‘Well, it is your job to not be’.


He cuts in, ‘I recommended you for appointment, do not disappoint me. Find a way to contain this or else, you might be facing suspension sooner than you think and I won’t be able to do anything about it’.

He hangs up.

The director stands up, pacing left and right, back and forth. This is the worst scandal a university, most especially an European-Nigerian private university in the country has experienced. The people who had questioned her ability to lead before her appointment were coming back wolves with wounds and scores to settle. Not like she cared about what anyone thought but it was making her look like a fool. Her e-mail and phone was blowing up with so many messages. She had even received a few death threats.

Who was behind all of this?


Troops of police were called to restore order and sanity to the university. After a few days, protests ceased and things were almost back to normal. The director gives a press conference, three days after the pandemonium. The reporters are already seated when she walks into the hall. 

‘Any comments on what the blog says about your marriage?’

‘Some people are comparing this to the great Wikileaks scandal in the United States, what do you think about that?’

‘Is it true that you have been queried by the NUB?’

She breathes in and out before taking the microphone.

‘Good day, ladies and gentlemen of the press. It is so unfortunate that the students of…’

Almost at the end of the speech, she takes a sip from her glass of water. 

She concludes, ‘However, one thing for sure is that these allegations are without fact and untrue. We will not tolerate this indiscipline at this university. The culprits will be fished out and appropriate punishments will be meted out. Thank you’.

‘Madam, did you read the blog?’

‘Are you saying that there are named suspects already in this?’


I look at the blue file in my hand containing data of the suspects in the case. I examine each of them carefully, they are quite a cliché bunch.

‘This sounds real chill’, Fiona says excited. Remi is clearly irritated. 

‘Wait, what is Oba’s role in this though?’, I ask. 

‘He’s the hacker dude’.

We have just been briefed by Gregory. This is certainly new for me, honestly. I have never really been a great actor. I hope I don’t blow this. It starts from the name change. My name would be Lee for this case. But seriously, there are so many upsides to this. I get to wear designer clothes and turn up at school with a crazy ride. I wish Remi wasn’t my driver though. It’s so going to be bitter-sweet. Fiona is going as a counsellor. Now, I know she’s going to pull that one off, she needs nothing extra except maybe with her unique style, I’m not sure that’s how counsellors are supposed to look.

Fiona asks, ‘How do counsellors look?’.

I smile. Fiona’s style is on point but she’s going to need a wardrobe change, definitely. Her leather jackets, shorts and boots will not cut it, not at a Nigerian university.

‘No, I will not be changing my wardrobe, rookie! Don’t be silly’, she suddenly says angry. 

‘Jeez! Fiona, can you not read we undeserving humans every time? Save it for the criminals’, Remi said. She rolls her eyes and walks off leaving only myself and Remi.

‘How am I supposed to get myself into the VVIPs within a short time, richkid or not?’

‘Simple answer, you throw a popping party and make sure they come’.

‘And how the hell am I supposed to get a venue?’.

‘Remi to the rescue’.


‘Party @ Wild Waves club, Blue Fin hotel. Starts @ 1am. Free drinks nd hot chicks’, Nasiru shows the text to his friend, Michael.

‘Nah meen, I’ve made plans with chemistry’, Michael replies.

‘C’mon, it’s gonna be fun. Wild Waves costs like 2m to host a party, you know this so it’s definitely going to be a rave’, Nasiru tries to convince him. Finally, he agrees to go and they call the other member of their group, Rome. Rome is short for Jerome. He agrees to meet them at the venue.

By the time they get to the party at 2:30am, it is already in full swing. The DJ announces their presence. 

‘Yo yo yo, the VVIPS are here. Welcome to the hottest party in town. Hosted by…’

The atmosphere is crazy. Drinks are rolling, blunts are being rolled and cigars, smoked. Most people are up, dancing to the hit of the moment, Rihanna and Drake’s Work. Some couples are sitting, subtly, rather unsubtly making out. 

Michael asks, ‘Guys, do you see Bren here?’. Rome’s phone vibrates with a text. He gets a message from Buchi saying, ‘Nas said you would be at Wild Waves though. Me and the gals are at the exclusive room. Y’all should come up when you get here’.

He replies, ‘K. Coming up in a few’.

They get upstairs and see the girls settled on couches. They order drinks for themselves and the girls. Buchi and Rome start dancing. Nasiru and Bolade cuddle. Michael is obviously bored and wants to desperately leave. Bren starts a conversation with him.

‘You don’t want to be here, do you?’

‘Nope’, he replies. 

‘You gotta chill, son’. They both laugh. 

‘It’s a great party though. I heard the host is some transfer to our uni. What a way to start school!’.

‘He’s pretty loaded then. This place is crazy expensive’.

‘Look who is talking. Mr party on a private yacht every month’, Bren teases. She continues, ‘I needed this chill though, after all the drama that happened at school last week’.

‘I don’t really want to talk about it. Sorry, Bren’, Michael says. She shrugs, showing that she’s not bothered by his not wanting to talk about it. 



This is crazy. Remi is a bad man. I can’t believe he put this together in what, less than twenty four hours. As I walk into the club, the DJ announces my presence. ‘The man of the hour is here, people. It’s all him, shout out to you dawg. This is the hottest party Wild Waves has ever seen. Yo, people. Lee! Lee! Lee!’. 

The crowd starts chanting my name. Shit just got real literally. I give the guy in front of me a high five and a ‘chop knuckle’ to another. 

‘This party is lit maan’.

‘Thanks bro’.

‘You are so hot’, some drunk person tells me in slurs of words.

‘Um, thanks’.

The VVIPs are not in the main club though. They’d be at the exclusive room definitely. I walk upstairs, stopping to give high fives, collect compliments and give compliments. 

Game Time.