NAIJA DETECTIVES – Episode Four, Part B

The chief stands up in protest.

‘You can not just come and search my shop like that! Biko, this is violation. Laptop, kwa? You want to spoil business for me! What is this nonsense?’

‘We just want to have a little look around and we would be out of your hair in no time’, Fiona explains gently.

I mentally roll my eyes. Fiona is being too nice, legit. We have a warrant, I don’t think we need his permission, honestly. But I’m just the rookie so I take the back seat here and watch it all unfold.

‘Oya, take phone!’, the man gives his phone to Fiona to speak to someone at the other end of the line. 

Fiona sighs but takes it anyway.

‘We have a warrant. With all due respect, it is within our power and in fact duty to do so…. What do you mean?’.



It’s so absolutely annoying! I don’t understand these people or this country. So bloody confusing, to be honest. I’m weak. Before we were able to search the store, bloody problem. After searching, no relevant information or leads! 

And the man had the damn audacity to actually report us, especially ‘the girl with the dada hair’ being me, for our brash conduct. What the hell! I was so nice and super agreeable.

JK literally bashed me. The irony. I want him to hold me in his arms, not scold me like a baby. 

I chuckle.

Talking about arms, he certainly looked as fine as hell today. And his toned arms, in that sleeveless jumper made my day!

Fiona, stop acting like a school girl with a crush!

Hold that thought. 

But damn crushes.

Someone clears their throat behind me.

It’s Remi. Uggh. 

‘Mama Fiona, who is the unfortunate person you are crushing on o? Let me tell them sorry’, he bursts into laughter.

I mentally face-palm, I had no idea I was thinking aloud.

‘Remi, are you really messing with innocent, seer me this sweet afternoon?’, I smile sweetly, subtly threatening.

‘Don’t do what you’re thinking. Don’t even try it!’. 

‘Good boy, now bye!’, I blow him a kiss. 

You, watching it all unfold burst into laughter, much to Remi’s chagrin.

Rookie, he barked.

The internet is still bustling with tweets, posts and more, #BringBackOurGirlsPartTwo’s campaign is never ending, at more than two thousand tweets per minute. Many organisations have pledged support for Nigeria in cracking this, also the international community continues to support the cause as more and more influencers show their support. 
I’m so uncomfortable with this #BringBackOurGirlsPartTwo saga and us, not being on this case. It has become such a national issue, I would rather be doing that than Laptop gate. 

I type the hashtag into my search engine. Oh wow! This is officially an international crisis, I mutter. 


Fiona stops me as I walk into the office. ‘So how did you do?’, she asks. ‘How did I do what?’, I ask her in turn. ‘ Don’t play stupid, silly. You know what I mean, your progress assessment’. 

‘Oh that’, I scratch my head, finally understanding. Lord knows how she knows these things.

‘I got my e-mail this morning and I actually have been doing not bad. I’ve made really good progress on most of my categories except self defence’. ‘Martial arts?’, she asks. ‘Martial arts, to be exact. You guessed right’.

And my first sole assignment is coming up. I explain all this to Fiona. She is definitely much more excited about it than I am. Typical Fiona! 

‘About martial arts, the instructors are pigs so its always hard at first. Don’t beat yourself up. My first sole assignment was a bomb though. It was so awesome. I got to go undercover in a drugs mission, find out where the drugs were coming from and going to. Basically an information mole for them to bust the whole operation. Do you want me to read JK or Gregory to find out your sole assignment?’

‘Yes, yes, please’, I plead.

‘Dreams haha’.


So they are protesting about this in the capital already. I scroll down my Twitter feeds. But no, Laptop flipping gate is our problem. And we wonder how Trump became president? I tried to talk to Gregory to at least give us, me an angle to this. He didn’t listen. Told me we weren’t done fixing Laptop gate so I should ‘deal with that’. 

Fiona knocks.

‘Check Channel 55, I think we may have a lead on Laptop Gate’. 



And I knocked the smug face off his stupid face. It’s funny how the last time we were here, he didn’t want to shut up but now, he’s as meek as a mouse. Ha ha. Telling me how sorry he was and uncooperative, because he knows very well that an action would be brought and he could be an added party. I’m sure you’re wondering how we got here. A certain part of the country has been trying to secede for a while and has been causing trouble. Apparently, one thing led to another and led to Laptop Gate because a ‘fighter’ decided to take it upon himself to our explosive devices in the laptops to show them ‘how serious we are’. I would say the heart of man is desperately wicked but that should be Rookie’s choice of words because I’ve seen worse. Way worse.

‘See you in court, Chief’.


The whole nation is still shocked from the recent kidnapping scandal of three daughters of prominent business men in the country. Aimed to become another Bring Back Our Girls Saga, everyone flew into action, with the international community tailing behind. However, more scandalous was the news that it was all a joke. Apparently, the three daughters of the leading business men were just joking and didn’t think it would escalate quickly. In an apology letter issued openly to the whole nation. They admitted being ‘careless, callous, irresponsible, childish and didn’t stop to think once of what outcome their actions might bring’. There have been no further comments.

My name is Kolade Johnson. Reporting, Ocean Tv.

(Lol. I was in a super hurry to be done with this episode so its not the best. It was dragging on for so long and I just had to just deal with it! We are officially two episodes away from the end of Naija Detectives Season One. It’s a bitter-sweet thing for me tbh. I can’t wait to start Season Two and bring new characters, more crime and more and more action)



​​As I walk inside. There’s a beautiful lady talking with another lady. Her expression isn’t hard to read, she is visibly excited. 

As I moved nearer towards her, I started to hear what she was really saying. 

‘ My new puppy is so cute. My dad totally got this one.’ 

She takes out her phone to show her friend the picture. 

I guess I’ll have to interrupt now. I don’t know who to talk to and there aren’t any reception offices at places like this. 
‘Hi, I’m new here and I’m supposed to meet some J.K person, do you know where he is? I would love for you to direct me’

Smiling earnestly, she squeals. 

‘I love the rookies! Don’t worry, come with me. I’ll show you to his office’

I muttered words of thanks. 

Thank God. This place is so confusingly huge. 

I would definitely get lost if she left me to find J.K on my own. 
As we pass rows and rows of offices, cubicles and certain places of which I can’t really place what they are. We talk. 

Not much but she tells me about her first day, how her nerves were unsettled but somehow, it didn’t end up as bad as she thought it would be. 
Finally,We stop and go inside . 

Soft music fills the room. 

But there is no dancer. Instead, there is a man crutched on the floor. 

His eyes closed. 

The lady tells me to sit down and she starts to leave but the man, hand-signs to her to sit down. 
He rises. 

He stretches his body like a dog. 

He falls back on the floor like a dead body. 

He sits in the most uncomfortable manners. 

He throws his arms skillfully to the front, to the back, everywhere. 

Do I hear chants? 

What is this? 

A plan to use me for rituals. 
As if on cue, the lady chuckles. 

Like she knew what I was thinking. Finally, he sits and stands, opening his eyes. 

I take in the man in front of me. 

‘You should try Yoga young man, it’s good for the body, soul and renews the mind’. I simply nod. 

‘So I see you have met Fiona’, he continues. 

I gasp. 

This is the Fiona. She must have heard what I said. 

She starts to laugh out loud. She says happily, ‘You’re so adorable’. 

I’m nervous. 
‘I believe that you have studied the files that were delivered to you last week. Welcome to the intelligence, son. I do not need to highlight the fact that this is a great opportunity for you to serve your nation. What if there are no second chances? That is one of our mantras. Whatever you do, do it like it’s your one and only chance. Fiona will take you to your other team members.’

‘Yes sir. I promise to work very hard and do my duty well.’

‘Alright, you may leave.’

As we open the door to walk out, 

J.K says, 

‘By the way, Fiona. Tell the guys I insist they’d be civil to him. You know how they can get.’

Fiona rolls her eyes and laughs. 

‘Yes boss’, my beautiful team member chirps. 
‘Hey rookie’!!! 

Everytime I hear rookie, I feel a part of me die. Uggh. 

This guy is a total idiot. 

He’s been totally uncivil to me today. 

I haven’t spent a full day with this guy and I completely hate him. 

He even made me walk to the cafeteria with ‘ROOKIE’ pasted on the back of my new TM Lewin shirt I bought specially for my first day. 

I cannot stand him. 

This isn’t hazing, this is childish behaviour.. 

Fiona’s POV

I cannot help but constantly giggle at this guy. 

He’s totally cute. 

And adorable. 

Not that I would want to do anything with him. 

My heart belongs to another man. 
My subconscious retorts and scolds, ‘A man who only sees you as a child’. 
‘Fiona darling’, Gerald as he walks in and hugs me. 

More like squeezes me. Gerald is huge. Seems very frightening at first but he’s a total babe. 

‘Gerald, hey’

‘Mr Anifowose needs you and  the guys at the conference room right now’

‘Okay, okay.’

Yaba, Lagos, Nigeria

14:29 pm
‘Hello, some please come and get me. My madam. My madam. Please. ‘

Ikeja, Lagos, Nigeria 

Ada walks inside the house. 

She had called for Nkiru but had no reply so she entered.

She had a brilliant idea. 

She would jump at Nkiru and scare her before shouting ‘Surprise’. 
But it was her scare that made her scream. 

Her shrill voice cutting through the tense hot humid afternoon atmosphere. 

She would never be able to surprise Nkiru again. 

Nkiru wasn’t Nkuru anymore. 

She was a head, 

She was a neck, 

She was limbs. 
She was dead. 

Lekki, Lagos, Nigeria. 

‘What’s with the blasted music!’, Olu muttered. 

These bloody neighbours. 

He had moved to this estate few months ago. 

He was thrilled to be here but he couldn’t deal with this shit anymore. 
He knocked their door practising his lines. 

‘I’m sorry but you need to turn down your music’

‘You seriously need to turn down your music’. 

But no one answered. 

He knocked again and checked the knob. It was open. 

He walked inside. 
‘What the F…. ‘

Marina, Lagos, Nigeria 

Norma threw her last cigarette into the bin. She checked her watch and saw it was past nine.

Standing up, she straightened her blazer, smiling at her reflection in the mirror just behind her blinds. 

‘Hermés just never fails’, she beamed proudly smoothing her blush coloured nails all over it. 

‘Let’s get out of here already’, her co-worker, Eve told her. 

‘It’s about damn time. We worked our asses off tonight. I’m seriously turning up all weekend’. 

They walked to their cars, the clinking of their heels echoing through the length of the underground parking lot. 

‘Oh Norma, seems the boss is still in’, Eve said with a wink nodding towards a White Prado 2016 jeep. 

Norma laughed saying, ‘Let me see what the weener is up to anyway’. 

‘I gotta go anyway’

‘Bye Eve’. 
As soon as she got inside, she removed her jacket and undid all first three buttons leaving just one lone shiny gold hold on her shirt. 

Removing her hair from its clasp, she walked into his office. 

‘Hey baby’. 

Typical Tobi, he was turned around, head facing the windows. She walked up to his chair and turns him around.

She screams… 

‘ So what you’re telling me is that we have a serial killer on our hands’. 

‘Not exactly’. 

‘What if it is just a coincidence. Surely, there’s a motive and a weapon’.

‘We searched thoroughly but no weapon. The victims work at the same place though’


‘Not serial killer’

‘But the stats are there. This mystery person strikes at the same time, three hours interval. And from the witness reports we got from the police, it’s obvious they were murdered the same style except Victim two. Her murder was well, different’. 

The projector board shows a picture of Nkiru’s severed body. 

‘Oh My God’, Fiona covers her mouth. 

‘He’s just a fucking psychopath’


I’m stunned. Stunned beyond comprehension. But this is no time for pansy emotions. I signed up for this and even if it sickens me to my stomach how someone could do this. 

‘So I’ve sent you the files on this and the suspect’s, it’s in your email’. 

On cue, everyone looked at his and her phone. 

‘Good luck’. 

Fiona’s POV
‘You guys are crazy, you can’t just walk into someone’s house and arrest them!’, I exclaimed. 

These boys are crazy. 

‘Yes, we can’

‘I’m going in’, Remi said. 

Of course. 

I’m rolling my eyes inwardly right now. 
About five minutes later, he walks out with a guy by his side. 

‘Search the house, people’.


I walk back into the interrogation room. 

I ask Fiona if he had budged. She shook her head. ‘What a bastard!’. 

For the record, Fiona has listened to him. Of course he was the one who did this but we need a confession. There is a motive already, which is actually no motive. The weapon is gone. We need a whole lot more than the ‘Where is my lawyer?’ the geezer has been saying since. 

We have just fifteen minutes until his lawyer arrives and it might go downhill from there. We arrested him without a warrant amongst other things so it’s seriously downhill.

Remi walked inside and said,’Guys, I have an idea’.


The suspect laughed at Remi.  He laughed!! He just told him he couldn’t prove anything. I’m watching from the screen in the backroom. I don’t know, I have a hunch that he didn’t do it but he is protecting someone. That’s crazy. Why should you put your ass on the line for someone else? 

Everyone is in a sour mood though even Fiona. Way to go, first day! 

Fiona chuckles.

Right. She can hear me.


‘This is preposterous! My client has been tortured and arrested regardless of his fundamental human rights’, the lawyer ranted. ‘We are suing for defamation, torture and violation of human rights’. 

‘Just kill me already’, Oba muttered. 

Fiona walks into the interrogation room with a black file. She holds it up.

‘Do you recognise this?’

‘My client does not have any obligation to respond to any allegations. You talk to me’. She laughs.

‘Oh believe me, he will. If he doesn’t, he might leave scot free after the murder of four innocent people but not so fast. I have records here that you are back on your corporate taxes for 12 months. Now, I have the authority to call for your arrest right now because we both know that is a crime and don’t even get me started on how you passed your law school exams’. 

Shocked to the skin, the lawyer keeps quiet. 

She continued,’Great. I see we have mutual understanding’.

She faces the suspect. 

‘I know you did it. I perfectly understand. He had some problems with these people and it was stressing him out. So, you thought that you should just help out. You killed everyone of them. You did it for him. Tell me, didn’t you?’

He just looked on.

‘I hate to break your heart but you know he would never look at..’

The suspect broke down. Astonished, the lawyer asked,’What is going on here?’.

Fiona starts,’Also, in this file, I have records that you are being sued by Tan and Co, a company you represented in a deal closing. You lost the deal and they claim that it was due to negligence and some other details we both know. However, what you don’t know is that your client sitting right here sees you as, what’s that word? A lover, maybe a crush. You probably told him as a friend or bro but he decided to help you to relieve some of the stress and he did it the way he knew how’.

Bewildered, the lawyer stood up,’You are mistaken. He’s not just my client. He is my friend. He’s not..’

‘I’m sorry. I just wanted to help you. I wanted to tell you but they showed up and I didn’t want to break you. I’ve had feelings for you for a while. I’m sorry. I just didn’t know how to..’ 

‘Why was victim two’s murder different?’ 

‘She was a hard bitch. She was the one who called a committee on his ass’.

‘Oh my God!’. The lawyer slumps on the chair. Men in uniform enter the interrogation room. ‘You are under arrest for the murders of the staff of Tan and Co. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be used against you in the court of law’. 



‘What a day,uhn’, Fiona tells me handing me a Coca-Cola can from the cooler. I took it and muttered thanks.

‘I know right’. They found the weapon finally. It was in a hole in his backyard. The dogs wouldn’t leave that spot so they had to dig it through. There it was, the gun and the knives. 

‘Don’t worry, it gets better’, she finally said.


It’s my first day. 

Boy! Am I nervous? 

It has always been my dream, you know. Okay, actually not really. 

I wanted to be a doctor, then a pilot, at a point – writer, but finally I found my love in Political Science and Criminology. 

The first day I walked into my political crime PC6 class was the day I fell in love. In Nigeria, Politics and Crime go hand-in-hand like Garri and Groundnuts. 

There’s hardly any politician with a clean slate. 
I should probably go into the building now. I must look like a dork standing and gawking at the beautiful building. Everyone is coming and going and I’m staring like Looku Looku. Please tell me you’ve heard that Don Jazzy song. I’ll leave my love of The Mavin Dynasty to another day. 
OMG. This is really it. 
I’m going in! 

Remi’s POV 

( P.s. – POV means Point of view. I’ll be using brackets and P.s. to chirp in notes on things that might not be clear and translations whenever I use vernacular.)

‘Good morning, welcome to Sunshine Suites. How may I help you?’, the receptionist at the hotel I walked into asked.
Hmm. Impressive rack.

You might think of me as a perv but that’s not right. I’m more of an Ijebu man who likes his women well equipped. In all areas. What’s a woman who can’t cook but looks like a million dollars. Or a femme fatale with no brains?

‘Hi, I have a package for Mr Taiwo. From Zen Shipping.’, I reply her flashing her one of my famous Remi smiles. 

Of course she smiles back.

No one can refuse me. 

Not even if I look a bit tardy in this terrible delivery guy get-up. 
‘Great I’ll just confirm… ‘
Hotels. Hotels. 

Bloody Menaces! 

Why do they bother to number them in hundreds when we all know there’s no way in the world that any Hotel in this town would have even fifty rooms in it? 

Doesn’t anyone think having No 1 to whatever would actually be better and more brilliant? 

I guess not. 
Here am I. 

ROOM 402
Knocking on the door, I swear under my breathe as I move to set my timer.
As soon as the door dashes open. I press GO. 

Oba’s POV

I look up at the calendar. It’s 23rd of the month. I forgot again. 

The Meet usually holds on this day. 

I know you’re wondering so I’ll just tell you. Relinquish your grief. 

It’s a meet and greet type of thing for patients at the General Hospital, children patients especially. 
I’m fervently at every meet. 

But recently I’ve been so busy working that I haven’t been able to go so much. I know, I know. 
I lost my sister to Leukemia three months ago and I used to love playing with her and her friends during the meet. 

Why did I continue after she left? 

I really don’t know. I guess Its a tribute to her. She would have wanted me to continue going even if she got better. The fact that she didn’t, not any less. 

I remember some days when I would go with the guys and some other kid would be left alone because no family member had come to ‘meet’ him. She would force me to meet with him and play till he got tired. After then, I could come back to her. 
Now, I’m so busy I don’t go anymore. 
I feel like I’m failing her. 

All this self pity nonsense is going to have to stop now. I’m going to circle twenty third of next month and set two reminders. 

I’m going. 

Even if I have to put work down. 

I’ll go. 
Meanwhile, I have to get back to checking out the surveillance cameras. The child of a prominent musician is missing and it’s my problem to solve. 

Fiona’s POV 


I’m Fiona. 

Yes, like Fiona from Shrek. The only difference is that I’m not in love with an ugly Ogre. Even though, I know one. 

Remi of life! Haha. 

But I’m every bit of a princess. 

Back to the Remi story. Ladies, beware of Remi. He’s such a sexist. And he thinks all girls are tools for him to use. 

I’m literally shaking my head right now. 
Anyway, I’m at this gellateria. 

You should know it. It’s at this hotel in VI. Their gelatos are heavenly. 

I practically died and my soul migrated to heaven when I took a spoonful. 

It literally has the power to render you immortal. 

It’s seriously amazing. 
So I came here to listen. 

Weird huh? 

I’m a listener. 
According to Oba’s coconut dictionary head; The boy is a genius. He practically has everything in his head from computer codes to dictionary meanings. He can speak six languages fluently. I mean.. 

LOL. I talk too much. 

Anyway, a listener is ‘one who listens in on another person’s private conversation’. 

He’s sort of right but the only thing that’s off is that I don’t eavesdrop. I don’t need to. I can hear either ways as long as I can sense – see, smell, talk to, touch the person who I’m listening to. I can also read people’s minds. 

It’s a gift from God. 

I don’t know of any witches in my household so it’s not Ogbanje spirit or whatever. 

I don’t know how I got it but what I do know is that I’m content using it for my country’s gain. 
‘They will never find her. Not after we suck her father dry of every penny he made off the Nigerian people. Bloody Nigerian musicians. They spend all their money abroad but common ten Naira, they can’t drop. Serves him right. Fool! Now, he should just hurry up and send the money through Taiwo. And we can go back to that warehouse. We have so many warehouses even if they got a clue, they would never know its the one at Catholic Road.’, the man whom I’m listening to thinks. 

Funny, how he was so sure no one would find out. 

What are the chances of someone reading your mind? 


Now, I just need to be done with this heavenly scoops of Zobo Sorbet and Agbalumo Gelato cause my work here is all done. 

(Hi, I would sincerely love to hear feedback from my readers. Please comment. Who do you think your favorite character is, just by first impression? Is it you, the newbie or Remi -the chauvinist or Oba, the brains or Fiona,who doesn’t stop talking? I’d love to hear your views. Also. Please comment crimes you think are rampant in Nigeria and other countries or your personal experiences with crime. Who knows? You, your story or your idea might just be featured on later episodes. Thanks.)

T. A 


Hi, everyone. I’m starting a series on my blog called Naija Detectives. It will be a weekly series. I’m still working on what day it would be but here is the synopsis.


Three different personalities.Or so, they thought. Until they became four. Four unstoppables. Every city’s Heroes and every criminal’s Nightmares. From the rusty roofs of Abeokuta to the shiny streets of Lagos. Not forgetting the capital city – Abuja, down to the towns of Abakaliki and Onitsha, Aba, Jalingo and Port-Harcourt. They deal with various regular and even shocking varieties of crime. With an inclusion of one newbie, it’s even going to be filled with more fun. So pump up your adrenaline because the newbie is YOU.

Why won’t you love me back, America?


Why you wanna fly Blackbird
you ain’t ever gonna fly.
No place big enough for holding
all the tears you’re gonna cry.
Cos your mama’s name was
lonely and your daddy’s name
was pain.

Nina Simone

I wasn’t going to stick my butt in the Alton Sterling business but tonight, as I scrolled through my BlackBerry Messenger feed admist female shouts in a university hostel. I knew I had no choice.
With the recent Brexit, racism is worse in the Uk but America takes the crown home on this one.
Amazing, isn’t it?
Another one murdered for the crime of being black.
Charleston today, Sandra Bland tomorrow.
Five shots fired for a threat.
A threat of selling CDs and being homeless?
I can say no more but my heart grieves.
I won’t try to argue or write a long post.
That don’t solve shit before.
But I stand with you, blacks all over the world.